[JohnBoy53]

UPS Airlines

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one...a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.
After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Auto pilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent...
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
(I love this one!):
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget
=
_________________
"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Socialism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

[Spiderz_Web]

Being a former USAF B-47 Ground Maintenance Crew Chief I can assure all
that this is NOT the way a/c maintenence records are recorded
but I still find it to be rather funny though ...

This same joke was posted on the Airline Pilots Central Forum
over two years ago and commented on by yours truly ...
__
'S'

07-08-2007, 07:54 PM
HughJarse 747
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dude, I have seen this about 100 times before.

About 10 years ago it came out as a Qantas Airlines gripe sheet
and then it changed to British Airways, then it became
insert your airline here to make fun of their pilots.

It is funny, but not true.
_________________
.
. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .~ The Great Global Warming Swindle ~

[JohnBoy53]

Taxicab Confessions...

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, when then the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
_________________
"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Socialism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

[JohnBoy53]

Science Class



Sixth grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Molly stood up, angry, and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and you’ll get fired!” She then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the Question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated??
Little Molly’s mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Jimmy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.“

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Jimmy.” Then turned to Molly and continued, “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: First, you have a dirty mind. Second, you didn’t read your homework. And third, one day you are going to be VERY VERY disappointed!
_________________
"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Socialism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

[Sargbaby]

[JohnBoy53]

THE WRONG LESSONS IN GOLF

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tee. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, 'I guess all those f*cking lessons I took over the winter didn't help.'

One of the men immediately responds, 'Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead!'

He never even had a chance to duck
_________________
"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Socialism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

[MickiGa1]

A German doctor says,
" We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him
looking for work in
four weeks."
A Russian doctor says, "In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can
take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both
looking for work in two weeks."
An American doctor, not to be outdone, says, "You guys are way behind. We
recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois , put him in the White
House, and now half the country is looking for work."
_________________
My Grief and Pain are to much for me God...I am handing them to You now.

Michelle

[JohnBoy53]

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.


"Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.


"$100," she replies.


In broken English he says "Do you do Immigrant Style?"


"No" she says.


"I pay you $200 to do Immigrant Style."


"No", she says, not knowing what Immigrant Style is.


"I pay you $300."


"No", she says.


"I pay you $400."

"No", she says.


So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do Immigrant Style."


She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now.


I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world.


How bad could Immigrant Style be?"


So she agrees and has sex with him. They do it in every kind of way and
in every possible position.


Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns
to him and says,


"Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was
good. So what exactly is 'Immigrant Style?'


The illegal immigrant replies "You send bill to Government."


AND THAT, FOLKS , IS HOW ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE SCREWING US.
_________________
"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Socialism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

[Big_vike]

A husband and wife are having a conversation.

The wife asks the husband, if I die first will you remarry?

The Husband replies, it would take some time to get over losing you, but yes eventually I would remarry.

The wife asks, would you keep our furniture and let her sleep in my bed?

The Husband replies, well its not that old, I see no reason to throw it out, so yes.

The wife asks, would you get rid of all my clothes or let her wear them?

The husband replies, well if she was near your size and didn't mind, I see no need to throw out all of your beautiful outfits.

The wife asks, would you take her golfing and let her play with my clubs?

The husband replies, No, shes left handed.
_________________
Those who foolishly sought power by riding the back of the tiger, ended up inside

[JohnBoy53]

NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND!!!!!!

These are real notes written by parents in an ALABAMA school district.
Spellings have been left intact.

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
>
>
>
> 2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
>
>
>
> 3. Dear school:
> please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
>
>
>
> 4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is
> administrating.
>
>
>
> 5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
>
>
>
> 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
>
>
>
> 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
>
>
>
> 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
>
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> 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
>
>
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> 10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
>
>
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> 11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the -.
>
>
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> 12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
>
>
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> 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
>
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> 14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
>
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> 15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
>
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> 16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
>
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> 17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her
> funeral.
>
>
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> 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
>
>
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> 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
>
>
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> 20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with
> gramps.
>
>
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> 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
>
> 22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
>
>
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> 23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
>
>
>
> Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids!
> ________________________________
_________________
"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Socialism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

[JohnBoy53]

Hope This Is Your Smile For Today . . .
A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success . . . All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window.
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, 'You need a little piece of tail.'
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite ! ! !
_________________
"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Socialism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

[JohnBoy53]

Ear Infection.

This is so true!

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients.

I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.
Mess with seniors and you're going to Lose!
_________________
"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Socialism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

[Sargbaby]

[JohnBoy53]

Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes. The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing.“This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would have been 24 now .” The other Mom replies, “I remember him as a baby.” The first mother says, “He’s a martyr now.” “Oh, that’s so sad, my dear.” Then the first mother flips to another picture. “And this is mysecond son, Abdul. He would be 21.” “Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born.” The first mother sighs, “He’s also a martyr.” ”Oh gracious me!” says the second mother. “And this is my third son. My beautiful Ahmed ! He would be 18 this year.” “Yes,” says her friend enthusiastically, ”I remember when he first started school.” “He’s also a martyr,” the first mother says. She sobs. Her eyes nowfill with tears. After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos, gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says: “They blow up so fast, don’t they?”
_________________
"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Socialism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

[JohnBoy53]

COPPER WIRE

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, NewYork scientists found traces of a copper-wire system dating back 100 years, and they came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed,California scientists dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after,headlines in the LA Times newspaper read:" California archaeologists have found traces of a 200 year old copper-wire system and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers."
One week later, "The Redneck Rebel Gazette" in South Carolina reported the following:.......... After digging as deep as 30 feet in a corn field, Bubba Ray Johnson ,a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, South Carolina had already gone wireless.
_________________
"Except For Ending Slavery, Fascism, Nazism, Socialism and Communism, WAR has Never Solved Anything."

The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.